A couple weeks ago, I gave out four copies of Kaboom on Twitter. Good way to spread the word while clearing out apartment space - a win-win. Afterwards though, I received an email from a longtime blog follower who pointed out, rather nicely, that they deserved to participate in giveaways, too. Fair enough.
So!
Tell me a joke in the comments section. Preferably a military-related joke, but it doesn't have to be - Irish jokes, women jokes, and bad Asian driver jokes are also encouraged. Top ... 3ish? ... jokes will receive a free, signed copy of Kaboom, inscribed to whomever the winners desire. Contest runs through Friday afternoon, and yes, I'm the only judge. (In Mills Lane voice - "I'll allow it!")
Some hints:
1) I like irony, but love understatement.
2) I'm a sucker for self-aware cheesiness.
3) I'm definitely not above gallows humor (anyone whose read Kaboom knows that, but, in theory at least, this is for people who haven't yet read the book), but crudity for the sake of crudity isn't going to do much.
Happy wisecracking!
Update, 1/22: Winners posted in comments section. Thanks to everyone who participated!
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An Irish man goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him he has cancer, and he is going to die.
ReplyDeleteWhen the man returns home, he finds his son, and tells him, "Son, I have cancer and I'm going to die. But we're Irish, so I'm taking you to the pub, to teach you how to drink."
So they go to the pub. They order two pints and go to a table. Patrick and James, two old friends, approach the man.
"What's the occasion?" they ask.
"I've found out I have AIDS and I'm going to die" the man says, "So I'm taking my son out to the pub to teach him to drink."
They take a toast and leave. The son asks, "Dad, I thought you said you have cancer?"
"I do son, but I don't want those bastards sleeping with your mom after I'm dead."
One night, a man rolls over in bed and gives his wife a big, knowing grin. Immediately realizing his intentions she says:
ReplyDelete"Not tonight darling, I have an appointment with the gynecologist tomorrow morning and I want to stay fresh and clean."
Feeling rejected and disappointed, the man rolls over and tries to go to sleep. A couple of minutes later he rolls over and prods his wife again.
"Tell me, do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow, too?"
What did 50 cent say when he found out his grandmother was making him a sweater.... "Gee you knit?"
ReplyDeleteGet it? Ill take my copy of Kaboom now
So there's these three childhood friends, right? One became a doctor, another a priest, the third a soldier. They don't see each other much anymore, but one weekend they're all in town and they decide to go play some golf while they catch up.
ReplyDeleteAt first everything's going great, and they're playing well and talking, but then they get stuck. The guys in front of them are taking forever. It's like they've never played golf before, they keep missing so much, and finally the friends wave down a groundskeeper to ask if he can make the group move on.
"Oh," says the groundskeeper, "those are our blind firefighters. They lost their sight trying to save our clubhouse, so we let 'em play for free whenever they want."
"That's tragic," says the priest, "I'll make sure they're in my congregation's prayers.
"Yeah," says the doctor, "and I'll have to talk to my ophthalmologist friend, see if there's something we can do for 'em."
The soldier, he stands for a second, real quiet, and then he says - "Why don't you just let them play at night?"
Way back in '96, an east Texas highway patrolman pulled over a car with Arkansas plates going 90 miles an hour at midnight. He looked in the car to find two men in their mid 20s, with the backseat full of signs and boxes.
ReplyDelete"Howdy boys," the patrolman said. "What's the big hurry?"
"Well officer, we're on the President Clinton reelection campaign and we're running late to set up an event in Dallas," the driver replied.
"That right?" said the officer. "Got any ID?"
"I don't know, sir," the driver answered. "About what?"
How do you make a plumber cry?
ReplyDelete.
.
.
.
.
Kill his family.
Why do they put Marines on Navy ships?
ReplyDeleteBecause sheep would be too obvious.
Man walks into a bar, strutting like he's a bad ass.
ReplyDeleteGuy on the bar says to him "you're bad huh?"
Man says " yeah, I'm a bad mutha fucker"
"Really" the guy at bar says, "Prove it! You see that biker over there, go beat him up. After you're done there, there's a pit bull in the back with a bad tooth, pull the tooth out. After that, make love to that old woman at the end of the bar!"
So the man goes and beats up the biker, walks to the back, and you hear the dog cry, comes out and says
"Ok, where's the woman with the bad tooth?"
A joke?
ReplyDeleteJeff Bzdelik.
This is said in my best West Texas twang:
ReplyDeleteAfter years of living on a dirt-poor farm in West Texas someone drilled and oil well on Ma and Pa’s farm, and they were instantly rich. Pa says to Ma, “Well, Ma, if you could have anythin’ you want, what would it be?”
Ma thinks about it and says, “You know I’ve always wanted to take me one of them milk baths – you know like them rich ladies.”
Pa says, “You got it!” and he calls up the local dairy. “I want you to send over some milk, so my wife can take a milk bath – like them rich ladies do.”
The perplexed dairy owner says, “Well, okay. Do you want that pasteurized?”
“Nope!” replies Pa, “Just get it past her ass. She can splash it in her eyes.”
This ain't a joke so much as a story.
ReplyDeleteFew years ago I was on base after knock off. Drinking at the OR's after a significant amount of alcohol had passed over the counter and into my belly I found myself kicked out & told to go home. I stagger through the moonlight to the main gate, a massive monster of metal, each door an easy 4 meters across and 2 & a half high. It's locked. I'm on the wrong side & I am very drunk. Now the first instinct of this operator of the magical beer scooter is to climb over a fence. But I'm smarter than that, this barrier is topped with wicked foot long spikes that run the length of the gate perfect for the skewering of terrorists, hippies, & drunks. I know that if I attempt to ascend over the fence I'll impale myself and bleed out like a stuck pig. Hence forth be known in the unit as the dumb arse who died drunk upside down on the main gate. I'm a smart well trained NCO I start thinking outside the box or rather under it.
My night vision beer googles have enabled me to see that I can crawl under the gate to my freedom. Improvise, adapt & overcome ! The first sign I was in trouble was when I had to empty out my duffel to get it under the gate. It's a tight fit when I start to go through so tight in fact that the only way to crawl forward is to stretch out full length, use my fingers & toes to drag myself along the bitumen. The second sign I was in trouble came as my spine cracked when I got half way. Now able to taste the freedom I reach out to haul myself out from under the gate .... Nothing happens, maybe if I go a little harder, nope.
I'm stuck.
Not to panic I'll just crawl back & find another exit. The third sign I was in trouble was when I tried to crawl back & my rib cage wouldn't fit under the gate. The gap was so tight that when I had went through my rig cage compressed, now without the shoulders to lead the way I was well rooted. Okay time to take stock of the situation. I'm still drunk. It's night about 2am. I am pinned under the gate, a busy main road is about three meters from my head. In about five hours the security guard is going to be back to open up the gate. Worse case scenario the fire brigade is called to come cut me free, I'm a laughing stock in the unit & most likely the corps. Things could be worse.
Bugger that time to double down and embrace some inebriated inspiration. What if it's my pants that are stopping me from crawling out ? Genius, drop my strides & I can slip right out. Now to understand my predicament, have a friend, preferably a hefty one stand on the small of your back while you lie face down stretched out aka superman. Now attempt to pull you pants down, I dare you to achieve this sober. With my pants now down around my ankles, bare arsed in the moonlight I'm ready to grab freedom. 1 2 3 Heave ! Nothing happens it is not my pants that held me back it's my fat arse. I am still firmly stuck here situation no change, save the gravel rash on my junk. Okay plan b we wait for dawn & sweet sweet humiliation. Now time was a little loose at this point so it may have been 10 minutes or maybe 30 when I realize that I am stuck under a gate with my bare arse mooning the moon. Quick have your husky friend resume their position on your back now try to get those pants back up fro your ankles & done up. End result, dignity sort of restored & only mild to semi serious abrasions on my unmentionables.
At this point in the ordeal I look over to my left for the first time. At the gutter. The gutter that slips down and away from the road providing another hand span of crawlable space. I shimmy over to it and squirt through onto the other side. A little bit sore, a little bit wiser & still drunk as a skunk.
(an oldie but a goody)
ReplyDeleteA Rookie cop pulls over a CSM going about 100MPH in a 45. He asks for the CSM's license and registration.
CSM: Well I don't have a licence but the registration may be in the glove compartment behind the gun
cop: Gun?? you have a gun in the glove compartment?
CSM: yeah, I had to use it to still this car!
Cop: the car is stolen? who did you still it from?
CSM: just some nucklehead, his body is in the trunk.
The rookie cop was stunned! He asked the CSM tostay put while he called his Sergeant. When the police SGT arrived the rookie explained everything,completely freaking out. The SGT told the rookie to relax, and stay put then he approched the CSMs vehicle.
Police SGT: licence and registration.
the CSM handed both items to him.
Police SGT: will you please open the glove box slowly.
the CSM did, no Fire arm.
Police SGT: you wouldnt happen to have a body in your trunk would you?
CSM: No, officer why?
Police SGT: well the rookie there told me some crazy story that you had stolen this car, and had a weapon in the glove box and a body in the trunk
CSM acting surprised: The S.O.B probebly told you I was Speeding too!
A woman receives an urgent call from the hospital telling her that her husband has been in an accident.
ReplyDeleteWhen she arrives the doctor says "Ma'am I have good news and I have bad news." The woman says tell me the bad news first.
The doc says "Your husband has been in a terrible accident and will be in a near vegitative state for the rest of his life. He will at best have the mental faculties of a 1 year old, will not be able to feed or bathe himself and will have to wear a diaper."
The woman gasps and says 'What's the good news?"
The doctor replies "I'm just kidding your husbands dead."
You should do this more often. Some of the jokes are really funny. I only think of a joke when it fits the situation and seems true. I already have the book - sans autograph but I hope more people respond. Love that you are continuing your communicating with those of us out here that love your writing. Thanks
ReplyDeleteGreat job, everyone! After consulting with my inner jokemaster, the three winners are
ReplyDelete1) Eric C's dying Irish husband joke
2) Go Bunny Go's speeding Sergeant Major joke
and
3) Adam Daniel-Wayman's blind firefighters joke.
Email me at kaboomwarjournal@matt-gallagher.net, and I'll get a signed copy of Kaboom out to you. Thanks to all for participating, we'll do something like this again soon!
Matt
How do you get a Nun pregnant?
ReplyDeleteDress her up as an alter boy. . .